☕💻 My Computer Drank Coffee and Died

I have discovered something important about computers:

They are not coffee drinkers.

I learned this the hard way.

My last computer was working perfectly. It was fast, reliable, and always ready to do whatever I asked. We had a beautiful relationship.

I would sit down in the morning with my coffee.

The computer would sit there quietly.

I would type.

It would compute.

I would click.

It would click.

I would complain about something not working.

It would pretend not to hear me.

Everything was wonderful.

Then one morning, tragedy struck.

I was sitting at my desk enjoying a nice cup of coffee when—through a combination of bad luck, poor coordination, and what I believe was a conspiracy by gravity—the coffee tipped over.

And where did the coffee go?

Straight onto my computer!

Now, you might think the computer would simply dry off and continue working.

Nope.

Apparently, my computer had very specific dietary requirements.

It didn’t like coffee.

It didn’t like cream.

It didn’t like sugar.

And it especially didn’t like the entire cup poured directly into its electronic digestive system.

The computer immediately began making strange noises.

BEEP!

Then:

BZZZZZZ!

Then:

CLICK!

Then silence.

I stared at the screen.

The screen stared back at me.

Well, actually, it didn’t stare back.

It was completely black.

I pushed the power button.

Nothing.

I pushed it again.

Nothing.

I pushed it a third time, just in case the computer had suddenly developed selective hearing.

Still nothing.

I began talking to it.

“Come on, buddy. You can do this.”

Nothing.

“Don’t leave me now!”

Nothing.

“Think of all the things we’ve been through together!”

Nothing.

At that point I realized I was attempting to emotionally manipulate an electronic device.

Apparently, computers have no sympathy.

I unplugged it.

I plugged it back in.

I tried another outlet.

I pushed every button I could find.

I even considered praying over it.

Being a man of faith, I thought, Perhaps a miracle is possible.

But apparently there is a limit to what even divine intervention will do for a computer that has just been baptized in coffee.

The computer was dead.

It had drunk the coffee and died.

I called someone who knows much more about computers than I do.

I explained what happened.

There was a long pause.

Then he asked the question I was hoping he wouldn’t ask:

“How much coffee?”

I thought about it.

“Pretty much all of it.”

Another pause.

Then he said something along the lines of

“Uh-oh.”

That’s never a good sign.

He opened it up and examined the damage.

I stood nearby like a family member waiting for news in the emergency room.

Finally, he looked at me.

“I’m afraid your computer didn’t make it.”

I nodded solemnly.

“Was it the coffee?”

He nodded.

“Yes.”

I asked, “Could it have been saved?”

He thought for a moment.

“Maybe, if it had been a very small amount.”

I looked at him.

“Well, it wasn’t.”

He looked at me.

“Then it probably had enough coffee to keep an entire office awake for three days.”

And so we held the funeral.

There were no flowers.

No minister.

No eulogy.

Just me, staring at the lifeless machine that had once been my faithful companion.

I said a few words:

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember a good computer.

It served me faithfully.

It stored my files.

It displayed my emails.

It occasionally froze for no apparent reason.

And it never once complained about my typing.

Sadly, it met an untimely end after consuming a lethal quantity of coffee.

It was a good computer.

It just couldn’t hold its caffeine.”

And then I realized something.

The coffee hadn’t killed my computer.

I had.

I was the one who poured the coffee.

I was the one who knocked it over.

I was the one who failed to recognize that computers are not coffee tables.

So I bought a new computer.

And I made myself a new rule:

Coffee stays on my side of the desk.

The computer gets electricity.

I get coffee.

And everybody lives happily ever after.

Well…

At least until I spill something else.

And if you ever see me sitting at my computer with a cup of coffee, don’t worry.

I’ve learned my lesson.

The coffee is now safely positioned about six feet away.

Unfortunately, I have discovered that my arm is approximately three feet long.

So I suppose there is still a chance for another computer funeral.

To my old computer: Rest in peace.

You may have been killed by coffee…

But you certainly didn’t die in vain.

You taught me the most important lesson in modern technology:

Never let your computer drink your coffee.

It doesn’t have the stomach for it.

If you’d like, I can also turn this into a colorful, humorous newsletter collage/poster with a coffee cup, a smoking computer, and a funny “R.I.P. Computer” tombstone.

Thank you for reading this blog. Please share with others.

Rick Herring
thmjmj@gmail.com

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